i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
