Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
