Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
