Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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