That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Michael Bay diarrhea
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
