no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
