I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
