Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
