I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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