please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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