Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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