I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
