We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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