If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
this hospital has no fireball
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
