i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
