I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
