Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize