Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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