is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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