i don't like sucking hair
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize