Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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