i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
