i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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