Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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