I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
