I looked at my own cervix.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
