end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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