Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
