Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
