Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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