thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Mom said you looked used
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize