I cannot find my penis.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
