I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
