I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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