Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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