Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
