Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
