Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ugly people sure do ruin things
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
