I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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