she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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