On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
