I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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