I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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