There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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