I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
