i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
