hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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