and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
