Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
