if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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