Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
