the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
