I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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