I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
