Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
